is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
