When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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