Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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