my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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