Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
