Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
