Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
