My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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