And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
