the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
