Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
