I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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