It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
