I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
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You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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