This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
