Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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