worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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