my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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