Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
