A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
