He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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