shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
