in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
