thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
