apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
