Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
