I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
