The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Please don't give away my fajitas
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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