when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize