Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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