1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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