I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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