she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
