Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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