that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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