somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
