remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
