I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
