I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
