it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
