um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
