my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
