Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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