you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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