I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
