Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
