Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i drank out of a bidet.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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