can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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