I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
