you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
