I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
