I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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