I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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