god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
