I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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