How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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