Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
