would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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