Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
