im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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