i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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