Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
