I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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